Wait t'il you see MY mountains Bilbo...

 I thought I'd spice up our sexual relationship by adding a little dress-up and roll playing. Do you think he'll like it? 

It's perfect really, he's got big hairy feet so he won't have to feel awkward about dressing his part.  Either way, we've decided to be abstinent until Solstice at midnight, so I'm going to light a bunch of candles, put on the Dido (if you don't know who Dido is or what that means you are too young to read this blog ) have him close his eyes, then I'm gonna slip into this baby. 

Don't worry y'all who are planning on coming to our open house (all 8 of you) this will be happening the night before.

How My Man Plans To Fend Off Groupies

I had this whole big back story to lead into this...but I'll let you make one up:

Scott: "I'll be like 'Hey do you have a vagina? Because my Fiancé has a vagina."
Me:"Wow, that's smooth..."
Scott: "If some guys like hitting on you you can be like 'Hey, do you have a penis? Because my fiancé has a penis too, only it's bigger."
Me: "I hope you don't say that about my vagina." 

Every thing's funnier over funnel cake at East Side Marios.

Me: 1, Loop pedal: 0 How Scott Asked Me To Marry Him

Take THAT, loop pedal! 

I Am Going To Hell if All that Bible Stuff is True.

Actually, even if just a little bit of it's true.

As the impending Apocalypse of 2012 approaches, I am becoming more and more aware of how little I qualify to join the Rapture.  In fact, many acquaintances and friends have begun to discuss the reality of people  being condemned to an eternity of fiery torment over slices of a 3 yearolds birthday cake.  Of course, no one who thinks that they are not going to float up into the sky thus avoiding "hell on Earth" could say such things while enjoying that gluten-free treat could they?  So why did I have such a hard time swallowing?

From the Christian view point (not all Christians though, if there's anything I've learned it's never to assume all people of one religion believe exactly the same things) I am a separated woman living with a separated man.  I am an Adulteress.  Even if I were to be divorced according to Matthew my new partner makes me an adulteress by being with me at all.  So unless I choose a life of solitude and abstinence, I wear a great big red "A".  Although I'm pretty sure that fate was sealed when I lost my virginity, which was not on my marital bed, in fact I did not have a marital bed because the night of our wedding my sister and her boyfriend took our room thus forcing us to have a marital couch. Had I not lost my virginity before my wedding I still would have been a virgin the day after my wedding. Don't worry mom, no consummation took place on the pull-out. 

There are people who believe in the rapture but not by Bible terms.  That only those who are "enlightened and open minded" will make the cut.  Ummm I try my best, but I'm still struggling to be enlightened.  Besides, I've always believed that we all have the same capacity for "enlightenment"  and that enlightenment can come from a single moment of clarity (wow all these people are floating into the sky, Dude. life is beautiful, I love everyone and now I know I've never been alone,...), not necessarily from what level of reiki you have. That statement will probably get me into more trouble than the Christian ones.

Most of all though, I am saddened.  I am saddened that I live in a world where people not only casually speak of the idea of their neighbours possibly burning in hell for eternity, but actually revel in the idea of it.  It hurts me to think of it and not just because the book that my friends are quoting is also saying that I am in for a world of hurt, but because "Love thy neighbour" is such an important concept in all religions/spiritual paths.  How can one love thy neighbour and at the same time not find it heart breaking to think of them (let alone talk about them) not being good enough to inherit this world (which may mean eternal suffering) in all of it's glory when kingdom comes. 

Of course that's only if you believe in all this Apocalypse stuff.  I may just be working myself up because my cells have developed an unhealthy dependence on epinephrine and other hormones that come along with getting all upset at what others say. Thus stimulating my endocrine system in order to get my fix.

Or it could all be a global conspiracy to increase the sales of fire-retardant clothing and underground bunkers.  That's it scare the world into thinking it's end is near, SPEND PEOPLE, SPEND! WHO NEEDS A RETIREMENT PLAN?  Ahhh sweet epinephrine, here you come.

Yes, he said this.

Thats right, he said "loop pedal". 

Canadians Against The Custom of Offering Our Bratty Children To Strangers

Lately I've been noticing a strange custom that seems only to preside in the western world.  The custom of offering one's annoying child to a complete stranger, be it for 1 night or otherwise.  In fact just yesterday a woman I had never met me before gestured to her crying child and asked me: "You wanna take him for the night?"

Can I count the ways  that this is wrong?

Well for starters:

Your child is obviously a little brat, why would I want it? 

Which leads to the question:

Why don't parents of nice quiet babies try to give them away to me?

Lest we forget how rude this looks to foreigners:

"Zee Canadians only try to give zeir bad children avay to strangers. Zey are so selfish with Zeir obedient young."  


Seriously though people.  Next time I may take you up on it, truly your child will learn better manners from me.  Strangers deserve to be offered all of our children, not just the badly behaved ones.

Dear Plus-size Dresses: 5 IS NOT A PLUS SIZE

So we all know facebook has this thing where it advertises to us based on keywords in our statuses.  I like posting random words on my status to see what fb comes up with.  they are surprisingly accurate when I type in sex, advertisements for babies and pregnancy stuff comes up.  Perhaps this will subconsciously help the younger generation of fb users to swallow a pill and use a condom. 

Anyways, the most recent targeted advertisement is plus-size dresses.  I'm like What The Farm?  Why would they target me with a plus-size dress advertisement?  Then I saw the picture of the dresses in the advert.  They had teeny tiny little waists.  These dresses could not have been over a size 6.  Those dresses would not fit me no matter how much I sucked in my small, yet still existent, gut.  So if size 9 at 5 foot 2 is considered plus size;  plus-dresses.com  you can go blow my uncle Olaf's goat (and I assure you he is a goat that does not like to be blown).

Also there's this strapless bra advert where half of the advert is taken up by a seductively pouting girl's face.  I'm like: "So they're selling face bras now" I look closer "wow it's true, I can't see any straps" Then in the back ground she's posing on a bed very obviously wearing a bra WITH straps. So it must be a face-bra.  what is this world coming to when facebook starts selling face-bras?  and most importantly: Why is facebook targeting me to sell them to? 

Looks like in the facebook world 6 is the new plus size and 30 is the new 70.  Yet I still can't drag my plus-sized saggy ass face away.

saggy-ass face not saggy ass-face.

That is all.

It's Almost Midnight And I Hate You Google Account

Dear Google account.  Why The Farm can I not post a comment on my own farming blog without having to sign in on my Google account??? When I do try to do as you ask you keep making me read those farmed up verification words. Ummm How could I possibly be spamming my own blog??? Then you make me re-sign up using my Google account.  I've been trying to comment for HALF A FARMING HOUR.  I knew wordpress was the way to go.  Please GET YOUR SHEEP TOGETHER or I'll post more things involving various livestock and I won't being using the word Farm.
That is all.

Romantic Photo Shoot

So my partner and I are blessed to have wonderful and talented friends.  One of which has been asking us for a year to photograph us in various states of undress showing our love to one another.  I LOVE this idea.  I mean I'm thirty, I've had two kids and the stretchmarks and cesarean scars to prove it.  But if there's ever a time that I feel beautiful it is when I am in my partner's arms.  Which is why I'm totally cool with the fact that our photos will be a part of an art project that celebrates love.  That's right.  An art project of a local artist where people we don't know, and more importantly DO KNOW will be able to view us in various states of undress.   So this is a subject that I believe should be broached gently with our family members before the art project is put on display.  This is how we did it:

At future in law's home

me, when mother-in law to be leaves kitchen: So how should we tell them about our romantic photo shoot?

Partner: Like this; MOM WE'RE GOING TO HAVE NAKED PICTURES OF US AND THEY ARE GOING TO DISPLAYED IN A BOOKLET OR SOMETHING.

Future mother in-law enters the kitchen and smiles uncomfortably: Oh yeah?

me: It's more like a romantic photo shoot...

Partner, gesturing to his crotch: Mostly it'll be of my penis.

Reluctant future mother in law: Uh huh, that's...
trails off and focuses on something very important in the other room.

Partner: I think that went well.

Me: Dink.

Update:  So we went to the photographer's house had a few glasses of wine and made-out while he took pictures.  Seriously though, we hardly knew he was there. He had made the room into a cocoon with white sheets also he had a very comfy bed with this awesome (AWESOME) duvet.  It was an intense experience and there were times that I forgot that it was a photo shoot which is how you get the most expressive photos.

The weirdest part was the next day.  My partner and I were all super lovey dovey.  It was like our experience the night before had depended our bond.  We were also totally checking each other out all day at the Science Center.  I think it was how we supported each other through a new experience or it could have been that we haven't made-out for that long with out you-know in like...well...never. 

I did have some nightmares over the next week where I filmed a porn then afterwards cried cause then I realized I was now a porn star and my parents would be so disappointed. 

So last night we went to look at the photos.  They are beautiful.  Many are of our faces and torsos.  There's a bit of nipple...okay nipples- but with the amount of public breastfeeding I've done it's nothing that no one hasn't seen before.  We look so happy, so in-love and so passionate.  I'm happy we did it.  I'm looking forward to getting the disc of photos from him so that I can share the nipple-free ones on facebook...or not.

Arts for Peace and Little Flaming Klu Klux Klan Members Make for Family Fun

So this weekend we went to a little festival called the Arts for Peace festival. It looked like a nice family event.  So we get there and they have some sort of metaphoric pheonix story thing going on with a 10 foot large blue phoenix. Yes the phoenix was blue and no I didn't get it either.  So anyways out comes these little kids dressed in red and orange klu klux klan outfits and they start to surround the blue pheonix.  I looked at my partner "Hey don't those kids look like flaming members of the KKK?" Then I thought; are they harassing the phoenix 'cause he's not red? I tried to take pictures with my partner's phone but I didn't know I had to save them.  So here's an artisitc rendition:

Afterwards, we followed some teachers into the woods. One told a story about a "rocket baby" that got into an intergalactic war with aliens and the baby turned itself into a bomb and blew all the aliens up.  Hello people ARTS FOR PEACE festival!

Yes I realize that people worked really hard on the phoenix and KKK costumes.  But I think they may have been colour blind.  KKK outfits are WHITE.  All in all though, the bubble section was fantastic and the crafts were adorable.  Thanks for the afternoon of fun, we'll be back next year and this time I'll save the pictures.