Scott: "Hey, I wrote a song about your Vagina."
Me: "Please do not sing it to me..."
Scott:"Oh I couldn't. I just made it up on the way home from work...I can't remember all the words." (he shrugs like the words of the song he wrote about MY Vagina are irrelevant) "... I just remember the beat. It's kinda like smooth and wavy then a couple (claps hands together abruptly) then smooth and wavy then more (claps hands together abruptly). Cool eh?"
I think the fact that the only part of my Vagina song that remains in his memory is his rhythm (which he is quite proud of), not anything about my actual Vagina is a little disconcerting.
So I start to imagine the words my Vagina song and place them to familiar tunes, but all I can come up with is:
"Vagina Phone, Boop-boo-ba-doo-ba-doop"
I realise that writing a Vagina song is hard!
Which is what leads me to say these strange words:
"Could you try to remember my Vagina song and sing it to me?"
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
Sunday, 18 December 2011
Wait t'il you see MY mountains Bilbo...
I thought I'd spice up our sexual relationship by adding a little dress-up and roll playing. Do you think he'll like it?
It's perfect really, he's got big hairy feet so he won't have to feel awkward about dressing his part. Either way, we've decided to be abstinent until Solstice at midnight, so I'm going to light a bunch of candles, put on the Dido (if you don't know who Dido is or what that means you are too young to read this blog ) have him close his eyes, then I'm gonna slip into this baby.
Don't worry y'all who are planning on coming to our open house (all 8 of you) this will be happening the night before.
Sunday, 27 November 2011
How My Man Plans To Fend Off Groupies
I had this whole big back story to lead into this...but I'll let you make one up:
Scott: "I'll be like 'Hey do you have a vagina? Because my Fiancé has a vagina."
Me:"Wow, that's smooth..."
Scott: "If some guys like hitting on you you can be like 'Hey, do you have a penis? Because my fiancé has a penis too, only it's bigger."
Me: "I hope you don't say that about my vagina."
Every thing's funnier over funnel cake at East Side Marios.
Scott: "I'll be like 'Hey do you have a vagina? Because my Fiancé has a vagina."
Me:"Wow, that's smooth..."
Scott: "If some guys like hitting on you you can be like 'Hey, do you have a penis? Because my fiancé has a penis too, only it's bigger."
Me: "I hope you don't say that about my vagina."
Every thing's funnier over funnel cake at East Side Marios.
Wednesday, 28 September 2011
Sunday, 31 July 2011
I Am Going To Hell if All that Bible Stuff is True.
Actually, even if just a little bit of it's true.
As the impending Apocalypse of 2012 approaches, I am becoming more and more aware of how little I qualify to join the Rapture. In fact, many acquaintances and friends have begun to discuss the reality of people being condemned to an eternity of fiery torment over slices of a 3 yearolds birthday cake. Of course, no one who thinks that they are not going to float up into the sky thus avoiding "hell on Earth" could say such things while enjoying that gluten-free treat could they? So why did I have such a hard time swallowing?
From the Christian view point (not all Christians though, if there's anything I've learned it's never to assume all people of one religion believe exactly the same things) I am a separated woman living with a separated man. I am an Adulteress. Even if I were to be divorced according to Matthew my new partner makes me an adulteress by being with me at all. So unless I choose a life of solitude and abstinence, I wear a great big red "A". Although I'm pretty sure that fate was sealed when I lost my virginity, which was not on my marital bed, in fact I did not have a marital bed because the night of our wedding my sister and her boyfriend took our room thus forcing us to have a marital couch. Had I not lost my virginity before my wedding I still would have been a virgin the day after my wedding. Don't worry mom, no consummation took place on the pull-out.
There are people who believe in the rapture but not by Bible terms. That only those who are "enlightened and open minded" will make the cut. Ummm I try my best, but I'm still struggling to be enlightened. Besides, I've always believed that we all have the same capacity for "enlightenment" and that enlightenment can come from a single moment of clarity (wow all these people are floating into the sky, Dude. life is beautiful, I love everyone and now I know I've never been alone,...), not necessarily from what level of reiki you have. That statement will probably get me into more trouble than the Christian ones.
Most of all though, I am saddened. I am saddened that I live in a world where people not only casually speak of the idea of their neighbours possibly burning in hell for eternity, but actually revel in the idea of it. It hurts me to think of it and not just because the book that my friends are quoting is also saying that I am in for a world of hurt, but because "Love thy neighbour" is such an important concept in all religions/spiritual paths. How can one love thy neighbour and at the same time not find it heart breaking to think of them (let alone talk about them) not being good enough to inherit this world (which may mean eternal suffering) in all of it's glory when kingdom comes.
Of course that's only if you believe in all this Apocalypse stuff. I may just be working myself up because my cells have developed an unhealthy dependence on epinephrine and other hormones that come along with getting all upset at what others say. Thus stimulating my endocrine system in order to get my fix.
Or it could all be a global conspiracy to increase the sales of fire-retardant clothing and underground bunkers. That's it scare the world into thinking it's end is near, SPEND PEOPLE, SPEND! WHO NEEDS A RETIREMENT PLAN? Ahhh sweet epinephrine, here you come.
As the impending Apocalypse of 2012 approaches, I am becoming more and more aware of how little I qualify to join the Rapture. In fact, many acquaintances and friends have begun to discuss the reality of people being condemned to an eternity of fiery torment over slices of a 3 yearolds birthday cake. Of course, no one who thinks that they are not going to float up into the sky thus avoiding "hell on Earth" could say such things while enjoying that gluten-free treat could they? So why did I have such a hard time swallowing?
From the Christian view point (not all Christians though, if there's anything I've learned it's never to assume all people of one religion believe exactly the same things) I am a separated woman living with a separated man. I am an Adulteress. Even if I were to be divorced according to Matthew my new partner makes me an adulteress by being with me at all. So unless I choose a life of solitude and abstinence, I wear a great big red "A". Although I'm pretty sure that fate was sealed when I lost my virginity, which was not on my marital bed, in fact I did not have a marital bed because the night of our wedding my sister and her boyfriend took our room thus forcing us to have a marital couch. Had I not lost my virginity before my wedding I still would have been a virgin the day after my wedding. Don't worry mom, no consummation took place on the pull-out.
There are people who believe in the rapture but not by Bible terms. That only those who are "enlightened and open minded" will make the cut. Ummm I try my best, but I'm still struggling to be enlightened. Besides, I've always believed that we all have the same capacity for "enlightenment" and that enlightenment can come from a single moment of clarity (wow all these people are floating into the sky, Dude. life is beautiful, I love everyone and now I know I've never been alone,...), not necessarily from what level of reiki you have. That statement will probably get me into more trouble than the Christian ones.
Most of all though, I am saddened. I am saddened that I live in a world where people not only casually speak of the idea of their neighbours possibly burning in hell for eternity, but actually revel in the idea of it. It hurts me to think of it and not just because the book that my friends are quoting is also saying that I am in for a world of hurt, but because "Love thy neighbour" is such an important concept in all religions/spiritual paths. How can one love thy neighbour and at the same time not find it heart breaking to think of them (let alone talk about them) not being good enough to inherit this world (which may mean eternal suffering) in all of it's glory when kingdom comes.
Of course that's only if you believe in all this Apocalypse stuff. I may just be working myself up because my cells have developed an unhealthy dependence on epinephrine and other hormones that come along with getting all upset at what others say. Thus stimulating my endocrine system in order to get my fix.
Or it could all be a global conspiracy to increase the sales of fire-retardant clothing and underground bunkers. That's it scare the world into thinking it's end is near, SPEND PEOPLE, SPEND! WHO NEEDS A RETIREMENT PLAN? Ahhh sweet epinephrine, here you come.
Thursday, 28 July 2011
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Canadians Against The Custom of Offering Our Bratty Children To Strangers
Lately I've been noticing a strange custom that seems only to preside in the western world. The custom of offering one's annoying child to a complete stranger, be it for 1 night or otherwise. In fact just yesterday a woman I had never met me before gestured to her crying child and asked me: "You wanna take him for the night?"
Can I count the ways that this is wrong?
Well for starters:
Your child is obviously a little brat, why would I want it?
Which leads to the question:
Why don't parents of nice quiet babies try to give them away to me?
Lest we forget how rude this looks to foreigners:
"Zee Canadians only try to give zeir bad children avay to strangers. Zey are so selfish with Zeir obedient young."
Seriously though people. Next time I may take you up on it, truly your child will learn better manners from me. Strangers deserve to be offered all of our children, not just the badly behaved ones.
Can I count the ways that this is wrong?
Well for starters:
Your child is obviously a little brat, why would I want it?
Which leads to the question:
Why don't parents of nice quiet babies try to give them away to me?
Lest we forget how rude this looks to foreigners:
"Zee Canadians only try to give zeir bad children avay to strangers. Zey are so selfish with Zeir obedient young."
Seriously though people. Next time I may take you up on it, truly your child will learn better manners from me. Strangers deserve to be offered all of our children, not just the badly behaved ones.
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